Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Since my last post i have been struggling with getting done with my internship, and finishing classes. As of yesterday i am done with my masters degree in clinical psychology!! I did a project for school that lasted 2 months. It was a "change" contract. I said that i wanted to exercise and eat healthy 6 days a week. What happened was the opposite. The good news is that through the project it showed why i have issues committing to a weight loss plan, and gave me insight for the future. I fully plan to update regularly again. :) I also had my birthday which was tough this year. I was excited for 16, 18, 21, and surprisingly 25. This year i turned 26, and my "sadness" of climbing towards 30 bummed me out. However this month of being 26 has been terrific so far. Next week is graduation, which brings excitement and sadness for not seeing my friends twice a week anymore, or the people i spent the last 2 years with. The program had all of us in the same classes for 2 consecutive years with 3 semesters a year.
Who knows what this year will bring but i happily embrace it.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I apologize

I want to apologize to my faithful readers. I feel like i fell off the wagon. The exercising did NOTHING for me. Lost no inches, no pounds nothing. I switched to eating lean cuisines/healthy choice/smart ones and salads with low fat dressings. Every day that i eat like that with a "good carb" for break fast (oatmeal) i lose a pound. I had "given up" hope that i was going to lose, and felt like my surgery failed. Well folks i am happy to report that in April my body decided to help me and finally started to lose. I was stuck at 218 beginning of April. Now early May i am down to 207. 11 pounds lost in a bit over a month. It is still going too. I guess my body just was fighting me and it took letting my body tell me what it wanted for something to work. My total weight loss so far is: 31 pounds lost since December. It is not much but i started at 238. I am not giving up and i just wanted to say hi and i am still here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I am making a plan of action to get myself in gear with an end in sight. From feb 22nd to April 8th I will be walking/exercising daily, having morning workouts which will help my energy so I can not drink coffee for those days, drink 8 cups of water, give up Starbucks sugar free mocha light frappucinos, limit myself to 1 carb food a day. (ie serving of pretzels/popcorn) meet protein goals. Cut out sugar where possible. My hope is lose weight and be able to buy some cute clothing at the end! I just bought an elliptical online on Monday paid $50 after 2 gift cards and that will arrive on Friday. I will try to post here every few days to record how I am doing. Are u doing anything for lent? Suggestions? By the way I was so excited when I found out my exact graduation day. July 27th,2012. :) I want to be a slimmer and more healthy me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Earlier today i came to grips with the concept that i am an emotional eater/bored eater. My husband also eats 24/7 which is difficult when i am trying not to snack all the time. I looked up OA meetings in my area and i think i am going to go to one Saturday morning.
I also really want to switch my addiction, to exercise. I have a best friend who is madly addicted to fitness, and being a muscle woman. I want to be passionate about something fitness related too. Maybe i will make a second blog, and write about my attempts at becoming a fitness fanatic. Who knows :) I also read about couples fitness, i will see if he would be up for doing it with me. Couples yoga would allow him to stare at my bum in a compromising position... ha!
At least i have some of you to report to... I am Amber i am a food-a-holic, and i need someone to slap me when i go near candy, popcorn, or other tempting treats. Sweets are definitely my down fall. I was never much of a chip eater, but popcorn is a big one now. At first it was okay because i would just have a cup that was low fat, but then i started adding a bit of butter. Now i am buying already made popcorn from the store, and last night i bought a bag of caramel. What the hell amber.
 I can tell you that i am not stressed about school but i am extremely stressed about money, money, and paying bills. Yesterday my friend and i went to a food pantry to get food because we could not afford it. I have never had to go to one as an adult, and it was a very humbling experience.
I am on my fitness pal i had a comment earlier about it. I try to use it daily, i at first would not report if say i ate something bad. Now i am trying to put it in regardless.
I need a fitness friend... I tried to get my friend to go to the gym with me (which by the way i can no longer afford) but she can't afford it either. I have another month left since i paid 2 months.
What are fun ways that you exercise?
I really want to do a couch to 5k program but am too embarrassed to go jogging outside. What if people see me i think, they will think i look stupid. But then contrast they probably are thinking look at her she let her self go after she got married.... *sigh

A bit of history on me:
In high school i weighed 180 freshman year. Sophomore year i was 150 after a summer of diet pills. I gained back weight after i quit the diet pills. I stayed around 170 into college. 5 years ago i was at 180-190. When i got blood clots December 2006 my weight shot up to 220 within 2 months. Then i got clots that second month, and then 3 months later in July 2007. By that point i was at 230. I dropped back down to 220 for my wedding in June 2009. I stayed there, but slowly creeped up to 238 by the time my surgery came December 14th, 2011. I am now hovering between 216-217.
*Weight related issues: Sleep apnea un-treated because it is positional. Knee problems, new pain in my left shoulder.

At my internship

I am at my internship but I had a few questions and an update. I went to my surgeon and nut last week and felt completely unsupported. I asked my nut what should I be aiming for carb, calorie, fat wise and does she have an example meal plan because I feel lost. She responded that I should just go buy a book for bariatric clients. I told my surgeon that I had no idea what I was doing and he said if u don't like our nutritionist find a different one. I left really mad and frustrated. I have been going to the gym more but still not lost any weight. What does a typical day look like for u food wise? How is your loss going?? Tips?? I will be getting a new nutritionist I am just really broke right now.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Down and not with it

I have not posted because i did not want to admit to how i am feeling but i feel that it is important to get it out there. I am still stuck at 214, which was depressing the hell out out of me. I even joined a gym and have been going at least twice a week for at least an hour. (lifting, swimming, elliptical) I don't want to give into the idea that its just muscle being built up because i have heard that before and it made me gain weight. (i was not actually gaining muscle just fat) I joined ballys/la fitness because they had a pool and that was how i wanted to exercise. Today i ran through a very crabby 2 hours while i was there. I showed up at 12 for a zumba class and was denied entrance because it was full. The only other day available is a day that i can't go because i am in school and at my internship. I decided to do elliptical for 15 minutes, but was disgusted that it smelled so strongly of urine. (the room) I in the span of an hour decided to cancel my gym membership, give up on my weightloss goals, and a bunch of other things just because i was denied something i really wanted to do just not today. I am not reevaluating how i felt but i need to continue on to other issues at hand.

My internship site has become unsafe for me and i feel stuck. This stuckness is also making my emotions run wild.

I feel like i should have gotten the RNY almost every single day. This sleeve is just not doing it for me and i feel like i am eating more than i should. I can eat a large chicken breast in one sitting, i can eat nachos and a wide range of other things. I feel like i have already failed, that my surgery was a bust and a waste. My only accomplishment so far is going down a pant size, and fitting into a smaller shirt size. Which should be a huge deal but its not. Today i bought a medium shirt, and a medium sweater but i still felt like it was a fluke. (stretchy) I bought large yoga pants because my xl were too big. This is nice but i still feel defeated and i don't know what to do. I feel like why should i bother if i already messed up my pouch.

I am seeing my surgeon and Nut on Tuesday for my 2 month visit (1 week early) and i am embarrassed. I feel like i have failed them, myself, my grandmother and others.

I just expected more from this tool then it is doing. I know i can't eat as much but other people can barely eat anything and i am eating a ton more than others.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Not much....

I am just popping in right quick to say hello. Classes have started up again... Existential and Phenomenology psychology, Professional Seminar, Thesis, and Supervision. Plus my practicum. The existential class makes my brain hurt :D
Food wise i am doing well trying to make good choices for food, and chew chew chew. I really want to use a straw.. That is what i miss the most. I had an minor issue with one of my incisions having some pus for a few days. (Not much) so before i could call the surgeons nurse it had stopped. 1st time for it too, and it was a small incision by my bra line. I am still stalled at 214. I feel like i am still losing inches and have noticed that my fingers no longer look like sausages. Tomorrow my bestie and i are going to the gym and doing a water aerobics class. I don't want to over do it. I read on one of the sites that someone popped their pouch by over doing it. Even heard the POP. scary stuff. I go for my 2 month appointment in 2 weeks Febuary 7th (1 week before my 2 months). Kind of bummed since i have only lost 4 pounds since the 3 week check up. I guess i just need to start exercising more.... Jealous of those who just lose lose lose.
Anyways i am off for the night just wanted to pop in.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bad bad idea

Today I finally got to go grocery shopping. Today was also my 4 weeks since surgery. Which means puréed foods are over! To celebrate I got some pork tenderloins (I have a bunch of recipes) and salmon filets. My hope is to post more recipes. Only the good ones :)
My husband is making a puppet that looks like Matt smith (current doctor who). He looks pretty great. I will post a photo when it's done. Anyways we had to go to Joanne fabrics for fleece. We both were hungry and our friend was working at red robin. I decided to get a single order of onion rings. That was my bad idea. So stupid what a dumb idiot. They were greasy and I just felt really nauseous. Luckily nothing repulsive happened.
Next time I decide to do that someone slap me!
In fun news I was at school on a computer and this guy could not stop staring at me. He was sitting in front of me with a friend and he kept turning and looking at me. I would look at him and he would stay staring for a few seconds and then turn away quickly. I am married but it is still a nice feeling to get checked out :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A bit about me

I don't do these often but today i will :) 

I was tagged today by Hawaii bound bandster

The Rules :o)
1.  Post these rules.
2.  You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3.  Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4.  Create 11 new questions for the people you tag, to answer.
5.  Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.
6.  No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’  Blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 peeps!

My Random 11 :o)
1.  The only books that i have read more then once are the Harry Potter Series, and The Twilight Saga (Sorry!)

2.  I have this weird think for vampires in the past few years (i think everyone has been bitten ;)) I love true blood, i love charlaine harris (She wrote the true blood books),  i just watched fright night (New) and i tend to gravitate towards those types. (I also love fantasy, some horror, literature)

3.  I am a graduate student for clinical psychology. I will have my masters in July. Similar to being a doctor i have an internship where i have my own clients. :) (I wish it was paid ;))

4.  I was an only child until i was 16. When i got a step-sister. When i was 19 my dad started adopting and now i have 4 siblings. (They are about to adopt another probably)

5.  I bought my house partly because one of my best friends would be living a block away. 5 months later my other best friend bought a house about a block away from me :) (So they both live in my neighborhood now)

6.  I was going to go to school for art therapy, but insurance won't pay so i decided to go the clinical route and incorporate it.

7.  I have 5 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 birds.

8.  I love to cook and create odd recipes.

9.  I used to be a vegetarian. I went 8 years no meat or fish. I used to have a food blog for it :)

10.  I bite my nails...a lot.

11. I am jealous of my husbands artistic ability. See- Jesse Rubenfeld It is amazing to watch him create something out of nothing.

Questions that Hawaii answered, that i will answer. 

1.  What's your daily goal for protein intake?  I aim for at least 60. 

2.  Favorite item on the work desk?  My macbook  :) 

3.  What is your favorite flower?  Daisy

6.  What book are you reading now?  
White witch, black curse 

8.  Are you usually late, early or always on time when meeting with someone?  Early 

9.  Have you / would you ever bungee jump? No bungee jumping. I just imagine what it would do to my ankles ouch. Skydive.... definately! :) 

10.  What would be your dream career? Successful therapist with my own practice. 

11.  Do you believe in first love?  Yes.

Hawaiis questions to me. 

1.  Do you have, or would you like to have Artificial Nails?
I would not mind it. I once got fake nails and bit threw the thumb within a day. 
2.  What Restaurant makes you all time favorite Salad?
No place i make my favorite salads :)

3.  What was your favorite Book as a Child?  (mine was "Island Of The Blue Dolphins")
Harry Mcclary and the caterwall capers.
4.  Were you Athletic in School?
No, i was a cheerleader for a short time (Summer) I even went to cheer camp. They wanted me to skip drivers training to be a cheerleader so i said no thank you.

5.  If you are ever somewhere like Las Vegas, do you gamble? Maybe for 5 mins its not my thing. 

6.  What is your favorite Movie?
This is a toughy. I would say city of ember.

7.  Do you prefer a solid color for your Mani/Pedi?  Or do you like to get all fancy and jazzed up with colors/glitter, etc? Solid color. 

8.  Do you prefer to Fly or Drive to long distance Destinations?
Fly. I hate car rides.
9.  Are you a Crafty person, and if so, what do you like to do?
I am crafty. I crochet, paint, i sometimes sell things, make soaps, etc.
10.  Where is your favorite dream Vacation destination?
The hotel in the bahamas :)
11.  If money were no object, and you were given the chance, would you up and leave your job to Travel the Country in an RV?  If not, why?  No, i can't stand being in the car for more than an hour. 
I would rather let you guys choose. If you do this let me know and i will put you all on a list :) 

My Questions to you: 
1. favorite food of ALL time?
2. favorite book now?
3. favorite book as a child?
4. favorite musician?
5. dream job?
6. dream vacation?
7. Do we have anything in common?
8. do you have any pets?
9. what is your lifestyle now?
10. how have you "cheated"?
11. are you happy with your surgery? (Band, vsg, rny, ds)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Losing inches!!!

So I did not believe that I was losing anything during this stall. Today however I decided I needed some new jeans as mine were literally falling off. I went to a store and grabbed a pair of 16s. Which I could not get into at all for years. (I was a 18/20) needless to I did not buy that pair because they were $30 and I have a rule about pants. That they have to be around $20. Then my husband convinced me to go to old navy because they were having a sale. I tried on more pants and found 2 pairs for $18 each (Size 16!) and a shirt. Which by the way I got a large to fit!!! It was a dressy top too! I ended up buying a top for $8 that was an XL!! Before it's was a really stretchy xl or xxl. So happy! Now if only I would start losing pounds again!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Choices and Changes

Now that i am nearing my 1 month mark i am feeling strangely reflective and "zen" about this. In some ways i feel like a child trying new foods. I get excited when i can make something that is healthy and protein packed. I feel like i am making a game out of my protein requirements. I judge a food on its content first before flavor.
I found a gluten free recipe for peanut butter cookies that i am completely happy with. It has protein and low carbs and is sugar free (i modified it). It is from whole foods and tastes pretty good. (unsure if splenda has gluten in it)

Sugar Free Flour-less Peanut Butter Cookies- 
Preheat oven to 350
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 large egg
3/4 cup of sugar free sweetener such as splenda. (be careful with sweet n low as it doesn't measure cup for cup)
Mix it all together and scoop out spoonfuls onto a pam sprayed pan.
Bake for 10 minutes.

 Back to the zen. For part of this month i have been feeling regret about my surgery. Which seems to be around on the forum. (vertical sleeve) But i don't feel regret now. I did it. I made the choice, and i did it to better myself. Sure i feel frustrated that my scale is not moving but my clothing feels looser. Point i did this i have to live with it, and i don't want to waste it.

Eating real food- I have had food at a restaurant, but i find i pick things out. At red robin my mom and i split the bbq chicken wrap and i picked out the chicken and had a bite of the wrap. My friends made honey mustard baked chicken and brussel sprouts with a parmesan walnut sauce (pureed). That was by far my favorite meal so far. Since then i have been baking almost everyday. I made an agave BBQ chicken that was simple. Left it in the oven for a very long time. (Over an hour) Because i wanted the sauce to become one with the chicken. (and it did) That was amazing chicken.

I introduced "real" exercise yesterday. (before i was just walking) I did 20 minutes of dance central on the xbox360 with the kinect. Then 10 minutes of a demo for myshape 2012 (something like that) with jump roping. (whew was that hard) and i did 20 minutes of resistance band. I say "real" because i don't get worked up with walking.

Anyway enough for now. Off to a friends house. Have a good Sunday.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My current love

Pink berry!! Is this frozen yogurt chain. They are low/ no fat low sugar and sooo good. What I have is a picture of the chocolate and peppermint. My stomach is feeling strained (stretched) pretty often. Not in a good way. I started back to school on Tuesday. Taking existential and a professional seminar. Pretty interesting. We learned about alcoholism today. Not related my left shoulder has been killing me. I ice it, put heat on it and rub it a lot of the day and still it is a horrible pain. I can't think clearly. :/ I had the 3 week appointment with my surgeon. It was pointless. He also has poor social skills. At one point he was talking to a cabinet. Seriously! Anyways just wanted to pop in and ramble:)