Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Hello everyone. I just wanted to let you all know that i am taking a hiatus. I am doing a grief project and blogging about my baby and life after losing him. I am also applying for the doctorate program so that may take over too.

my new blog is:

Wanting Carter

I hope to see you all there. I have appreciated all of you along this journey i just need to follow this new path.

Monday, May 27, 2013


Thank you for your support. I am 10 days out from losing my sweet baby boy. Tomorrow we pick up his ashes, and saturday we are having a celebration of life party at our house to honor him. During my pregnancy i lost 15 pounds, and after i gave birth i lost 8 more pounds. I am now down to 201 the smallest i have been in years.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Loss of a baby

On Thursday at 1am i started having what i thought were braxton hicks contractions. By 4 am they were increasing and were a little painful. At 5 i called the on call doctor who told me to go to the hospital immediately. At 5:30 they found no heartbeat and confirmed with multiple ultrasounds. I take lovenox so they told me i would have to come back around 7:30 pm same day and they would induce me for labor. My husband and i went back at 7:30 and they put in this device to dilate me. They said it could take days for me to deliver. At 3:20 am on friday i started having terrible contractions and told my husband to get the nurse. By 3:28 am i had given birth to my sweet beautiful son Carter, just me, my husband, the nurse and my baby. I was 27 weeks and he was perfect in every way. He had my nose, and my husbands feet. Its only been a few days since we lost him, and every day i can't believe that he is no longer with me.

I have antiphospholipid syndrome and i take lovenox for it. 

My husband and i want to try again as soon as we get the results back. 
Researching APS, lovenox and pregnancy are helping take my mind off of Carter for a few minutes.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Since my last post i have been struggling with getting done with my internship, and finishing classes. As of yesterday i am done with my masters degree in clinical psychology!! I did a project for school that lasted 2 months. It was a "change" contract. I said that i wanted to exercise and eat healthy 6 days a week. What happened was the opposite. The good news is that through the project it showed why i have issues committing to a weight loss plan, and gave me insight for the future. I fully plan to update regularly again. :) I also had my birthday which was tough this year. I was excited for 16, 18, 21, and surprisingly 25. This year i turned 26, and my "sadness" of climbing towards 30 bummed me out. However this month of being 26 has been terrific so far. Next week is graduation, which brings excitement and sadness for not seeing my friends twice a week anymore, or the people i spent the last 2 years with. The program had all of us in the same classes for 2 consecutive years with 3 semesters a year.
Who knows what this year will bring but i happily embrace it.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I apologize

I want to apologize to my faithful readers. I feel like i fell off the wagon. The exercising did NOTHING for me. Lost no inches, no pounds nothing. I switched to eating lean cuisines/healthy choice/smart ones and salads with low fat dressings. Every day that i eat like that with a "good carb" for break fast (oatmeal) i lose a pound. I had "given up" hope that i was going to lose, and felt like my surgery failed. Well folks i am happy to report that in April my body decided to help me and finally started to lose. I was stuck at 218 beginning of April. Now early May i am down to 207. 11 pounds lost in a bit over a month. It is still going too. I guess my body just was fighting me and it took letting my body tell me what it wanted for something to work. My total weight loss so far is: 31 pounds lost since December. It is not much but i started at 238. I am not giving up and i just wanted to say hi and i am still here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I am making a plan of action to get myself in gear with an end in sight. From feb 22nd to April 8th I will be walking/exercising daily, having morning workouts which will help my energy so I can not drink coffee for those days, drink 8 cups of water, give up Starbucks sugar free mocha light frappucinos, limit myself to 1 carb food a day. (ie serving of pretzels/popcorn) meet protein goals. Cut out sugar where possible. My hope is lose weight and be able to buy some cute clothing at the end! I just bought an elliptical online on Monday paid $50 after 2 gift cards and that will arrive on Friday. I will try to post here every few days to record how I am doing. Are u doing anything for lent? Suggestions? By the way I was so excited when I found out my exact graduation day. July 27th,2012. :) I want to be a slimmer and more healthy me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Earlier today i came to grips with the concept that i am an emotional eater/bored eater. My husband also eats 24/7 which is difficult when i am trying not to snack all the time. I looked up OA meetings in my area and i think i am going to go to one Saturday morning.
I also really want to switch my addiction, to exercise. I have a best friend who is madly addicted to fitness, and being a muscle woman. I want to be passionate about something fitness related too. Maybe i will make a second blog, and write about my attempts at becoming a fitness fanatic. Who knows :) I also read about couples fitness, i will see if he would be up for doing it with me. Couples yoga would allow him to stare at my bum in a compromising position... ha!
At least i have some of you to report to... I am Amber i am a food-a-holic, and i need someone to slap me when i go near candy, popcorn, or other tempting treats. Sweets are definitely my down fall. I was never much of a chip eater, but popcorn is a big one now. At first it was okay because i would just have a cup that was low fat, but then i started adding a bit of butter. Now i am buying already made popcorn from the store, and last night i bought a bag of caramel. What the hell amber.
 I can tell you that i am not stressed about school but i am extremely stressed about money, money, and paying bills. Yesterday my friend and i went to a food pantry to get food because we could not afford it. I have never had to go to one as an adult, and it was a very humbling experience.
I am on my fitness pal i had a comment earlier about it. I try to use it daily, i at first would not report if say i ate something bad. Now i am trying to put it in regardless.
I need a fitness friend... I tried to get my friend to go to the gym with me (which by the way i can no longer afford) but she can't afford it either. I have another month left since i paid 2 months.
What are fun ways that you exercise?
I really want to do a couch to 5k program but am too embarrassed to go jogging outside. What if people see me i think, they will think i look stupid. But then contrast they probably are thinking look at her she let her self go after she got married.... *sigh

A bit of history on me:
In high school i weighed 180 freshman year. Sophomore year i was 150 after a summer of diet pills. I gained back weight after i quit the diet pills. I stayed around 170 into college. 5 years ago i was at 180-190. When i got blood clots December 2006 my weight shot up to 220 within 2 months. Then i got clots that second month, and then 3 months later in July 2007. By that point i was at 230. I dropped back down to 220 for my wedding in June 2009. I stayed there, but slowly creeped up to 238 by the time my surgery came December 14th, 2011. I am now hovering between 216-217.
*Weight related issues: Sleep apnea un-treated because it is positional. Knee problems, new pain in my left shoulder.