Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I am making a plan of action to get myself in gear with an end in sight. From feb 22nd to April 8th I will be walking/exercising daily, having morning workouts which will help my energy so I can not drink coffee for those days, drink 8 cups of water, give up Starbucks sugar free mocha light frappucinos, limit myself to 1 carb food a day. (ie serving of pretzels/popcorn) meet protein goals. Cut out sugar where possible. My hope is lose weight and be able to buy some cute clothing at the end! I just bought an elliptical online on Monday paid $50 after 2 gift cards and that will arrive on Friday. I will try to post here every few days to record how I am doing. Are u doing anything for lent? Suggestions? By the way I was so excited when I found out my exact graduation day. July 27th,2012. :) I want to be a slimmer and more healthy me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Earlier today i came to grips with the concept that i am an emotional eater/bored eater. My husband also eats 24/7 which is difficult when i am trying not to snack all the time. I looked up OA meetings in my area and i think i am going to go to one Saturday morning.
I also really want to switch my addiction, to exercise. I have a best friend who is madly addicted to fitness, and being a muscle woman. I want to be passionate about something fitness related too. Maybe i will make a second blog, and write about my attempts at becoming a fitness fanatic. Who knows :) I also read about couples fitness, i will see if he would be up for doing it with me. Couples yoga would allow him to stare at my bum in a compromising position... ha!
At least i have some of you to report to... I am Amber i am a food-a-holic, and i need someone to slap me when i go near candy, popcorn, or other tempting treats. Sweets are definitely my down fall. I was never much of a chip eater, but popcorn is a big one now. At first it was okay because i would just have a cup that was low fat, but then i started adding a bit of butter. Now i am buying already made popcorn from the store, and last night i bought a bag of caramel. What the hell amber.
 I can tell you that i am not stressed about school but i am extremely stressed about money, money, and paying bills. Yesterday my friend and i went to a food pantry to get food because we could not afford it. I have never had to go to one as an adult, and it was a very humbling experience.
I am on my fitness pal i had a comment earlier about it. I try to use it daily, i at first would not report if say i ate something bad. Now i am trying to put it in regardless.
I need a fitness friend... I tried to get my friend to go to the gym with me (which by the way i can no longer afford) but she can't afford it either. I have another month left since i paid 2 months.
What are fun ways that you exercise?
I really want to do a couch to 5k program but am too embarrassed to go jogging outside. What if people see me i think, they will think i look stupid. But then contrast they probably are thinking look at her she let her self go after she got married.... *sigh

A bit of history on me:
In high school i weighed 180 freshman year. Sophomore year i was 150 after a summer of diet pills. I gained back weight after i quit the diet pills. I stayed around 170 into college. 5 years ago i was at 180-190. When i got blood clots December 2006 my weight shot up to 220 within 2 months. Then i got clots that second month, and then 3 months later in July 2007. By that point i was at 230. I dropped back down to 220 for my wedding in June 2009. I stayed there, but slowly creeped up to 238 by the time my surgery came December 14th, 2011. I am now hovering between 216-217.
*Weight related issues: Sleep apnea un-treated because it is positional. Knee problems, new pain in my left shoulder.

At my internship

I am at my internship but I had a few questions and an update. I went to my surgeon and nut last week and felt completely unsupported. I asked my nut what should I be aiming for carb, calorie, fat wise and does she have an example meal plan because I feel lost. She responded that I should just go buy a book for bariatric clients. I told my surgeon that I had no idea what I was doing and he said if u don't like our nutritionist find a different one. I left really mad and frustrated. I have been going to the gym more but still not lost any weight. What does a typical day look like for u food wise? How is your loss going?? Tips?? I will be getting a new nutritionist I am just really broke right now.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Down and not with it

I have not posted because i did not want to admit to how i am feeling but i feel that it is important to get it out there. I am still stuck at 214, which was depressing the hell out out of me. I even joined a gym and have been going at least twice a week for at least an hour. (lifting, swimming, elliptical) I don't want to give into the idea that its just muscle being built up because i have heard that before and it made me gain weight. (i was not actually gaining muscle just fat) I joined ballys/la fitness because they had a pool and that was how i wanted to exercise. Today i ran through a very crabby 2 hours while i was there. I showed up at 12 for a zumba class and was denied entrance because it was full. The only other day available is a day that i can't go because i am in school and at my internship. I decided to do elliptical for 15 minutes, but was disgusted that it smelled so strongly of urine. (the room) I in the span of an hour decided to cancel my gym membership, give up on my weightloss goals, and a bunch of other things just because i was denied something i really wanted to do just not today. I am not reevaluating how i felt but i need to continue on to other issues at hand.

My internship site has become unsafe for me and i feel stuck. This stuckness is also making my emotions run wild.

I feel like i should have gotten the RNY almost every single day. This sleeve is just not doing it for me and i feel like i am eating more than i should. I can eat a large chicken breast in one sitting, i can eat nachos and a wide range of other things. I feel like i have already failed, that my surgery was a bust and a waste. My only accomplishment so far is going down a pant size, and fitting into a smaller shirt size. Which should be a huge deal but its not. Today i bought a medium shirt, and a medium sweater but i still felt like it was a fluke. (stretchy) I bought large yoga pants because my xl were too big. This is nice but i still feel defeated and i don't know what to do. I feel like why should i bother if i already messed up my pouch.

I am seeing my surgeon and Nut on Tuesday for my 2 month visit (1 week early) and i am embarrassed. I feel like i have failed them, myself, my grandmother and others.

I just expected more from this tool then it is doing. I know i can't eat as much but other people can barely eat anything and i am eating a ton more than others.

Does anyone else feel this way?