Jelly Doughnut

Went to a friends art gallery today. It was amazing work. I wanted to take home several pieces that i never had the chance to see. I came up to this one that was whiteish pink, had a big redish hole in the middle and had a texture that i could imagine smooshing my hand into. It was pretty large and rectangular oblongish. I went to my friend and told him that it reminded me of a Jelly Doughnut, and explained about wanting to shove my hand into it. He smiled a bit, and seemed weird but i thought nothing of it. Jump back a few weeks ago my husband told me that this friend was inspired by "beauty" to make a sculpture, and that it was my belly. I mentioned this Jelly doughnut thing to my husband, and he said uh hun. *friends name* said he finished that piece he was working on and you know that one you thought was the doughnut... I immediately started saying no no oh no oh gosh. luckily we were in the car leaving. It made me feel so terrible inside, how could my friend do that to me. My husband said that it was more of using me because i was his first massage client, and the experience of that. It still made me feel terrible. Then i realized that it was so blobby and everything i hated about myself up on a wall for everyone to see. This here, is my health burden that i carry every day hanging on a wall. The one that is always putting me at risk for new issues....

Update Finally!

We found our house! We have to be out of our current place by July 3rd, but we won't close until the 5th at the earliest so we will probably have to stay with my mom for a few days up to 2 weeks or so. Our house is perfect for us and our animal family =). I met with a nutritionist and a general coordinator/program person yesterday. For the program (bariatric) for University of Michigan. They seem to really know their stuff and told me that because i take blood thinners that the lap band, and the roux en Y would not work for me (malabsorption and pouch side) so i am going to be getting the gastric sleeve!

Just wanted to update you!
Things are super crazy! I will probably update again in another month sorry! I am loving summer and my birthday is June 19th! (25!) It's funny because my husband's is June 22nd our dating anniversary is the 23rd (7 years) and our wedding anniversary is the 27th (2 years =) )

Thanks and stay cool!
-Amber

Houses.

Sorry to drop off the face of the internet for a month but things have been crazy busy over here. On the bariatric front i was told not to lose weight because i won't be able to get the surgery if i do. Fantastic. So milk shakes, and fried food for me until september. (i am pretty close to the 40 BMI) requirement. I have appointments finally set up for the nutritionist, and talking to one of the people at the program. I meet with my doctor for month 3 or 2 for the 6 month supervision.(there was a month that i had to schedule 7 days later then the other month, but still within that month and she thinks it won't qualify. what if i had the 1st for all my months. seems pretty weird to me) In june i am going for another sleep study where i have a catheter in my esophagus. Doesn't that sound fun?

As for my crazy life- we are buying a house! the crazy part is that we have to own the house and be moved by July 3rd. (our lease is up) we found this really great place in an area of town that we have always wanted to live for under budget and it is quirky like us. So we are going to put in an offer today or tomorrow. <3 I am still in grad school my summer break is middle of July. We are packing, and working and packing.

Just wanted to say hi, and that i have no forgotten about you all!

Why did you Band? My information Session

Until my information session i was completely on board with the lap-band. I was happy, and willing to wait to lose the weight over a longer period of time. I went to my information session and was attended by people of all sizes, and about 30 people showed up.
I went alone with no support because i want to be my own pillar and have my family and friends for backup, but rely on myself for the most part. I am getting my surgery done at University of Michigan's Bariatric Clinic. I met one of the surgeons, and the nutritionist. We went over all of the surgeries, and i can say that i was probably the first to gross out a surgeon. =) I asked: "if i got the sleeve, could i get the part of my stomach that you remove in a jar or something preserved?" He thought i was joking. When he realized i was not he said it was bio-hazardous and said that it would decompose, and i asked if we could put a preserver in so i could put it on a shelf to remember where i came from. =D Needless to say i got a solid NO. I think i watch too many medical shows. The guy next to me said he could tell i was a graduate student. :-p
Anyway when they got to the band, the surgeon said that he had not put in a band in the last year, and that the others surgeons there only had put in a handfull. He said that he has removed many bands this past year, and continues to see esophagus and stomach erosion, in addition to faulty, and failing bands. That is pretty scary. Also the idea of a foreign object in your body is starting to freak me out.

So as of right now i am thinking of gastric bypass. But i still have time to be swayed. A biggie for me is that i clot easy, and losing the excess weight would remove a lot of the pressure on my legs and thus reduce the chance for clots. Where as if that weight stays the the same then my clotting is pretty high, not to mention high cholesterol etc.

Question to you:
Why did you chose the band over any other surgery?
Would you chose it again if you could?
Other?

acknowledging the fat me & better people for my journey.

This week i went to the nutritionist. I was nervous because i thought that she would be like the other size zero's who i have had issues with. Quite the opposite. She was sweet, polite, funny and even could empathize. I have reason to believe that she was a former larger person her self. She gave me a lot of really good resource, and kept telling me that she knows it is hard, and did a really great job of making me feel important. She also made me feel important because our visit lasted 1.5-2 hours. I had lost 4 pounds apparently.

The only thing that worries me is that i won't be heavy enough to stay qualified for my surgery. I can't believe that is even an issue. I was close really close my BMI was 40.1 but for my insurance i have to be 40. I don't know if i should trust my doctor to submit my first weight, or will she submit the final weight. :/ How did things play out with you and your doctor process?

Monday i have a sleep study to see why i need to sleep away so much of my life. I sleep 10-12 hours a night, wake up for a few hours, take a nap 2-5 hours, then stay up until bed, 10-12pm and then sleep another 10-12 hours it is sick really. Especially considering that i am a graduate student, it makes it hard to fit in time to study. But i still do it.

Getting my nose pierced has given me an amazing amount of confidence. I am not quite sure why exactly but i feel sexier with it. I just got the stem shortened so it does not as i lovingly call it (wack-a-mole).

(pop up) I think the reasoning is, i used to dye my hair a lot back in my under graduate and in high school strange colors. Then i had to go professional to have retail jobs, and essentially who i was got beat down into the social norm. Not to be dramatic but my fun artsy side essentially got hidden away. I had clip on hair but that is not much fun, and is hard to blend in. Going to school to be a therapist, they say you should got see a therapist yourself. When i saw that this cute pregnant woman had her nose pierced i immediately asked her how long, and if it had affected her at all professionally. She said that it did not affect her professionally so that was it it was sold. My aunt Laura always says that "your hair is an accessory", now my nose can have an accessory too.

That aside the weather is getting nice, here in Michigan we have taken the dogs to the dog park, and Sundays have become a fun day out with my husband day. We have a sheltie-schnauzer mix(Kaeci) 9 years old (To the Left, Top) , and our puppy who is 6 months but approx. the same size as our sheltie is a border collie (Loki). (Left, Bottom) As you can see they are both black and white, and they sure are spunky, but they both have their own strengths and weaknesses. Kaeci is amazing at catching, finding and running, she also has an iron stomach and once ate a whole tofu brick of bacon grease. (no issues) Loki couldn't catch a treat to save his life. (it bounces off his face.) Loki likes to recycle, he shreds cardboard, magazines, and anything he can find like no ones business. He gets in to mischief, but loves me to the end of the world. Where as Kaeci is a daddy's dog, and barks way too much, Loki only barks when Kaeci barks and gets quiet much sooner. Loki is protective of me, and will actually defend me from my husband. (goes against us sometimes lol) But as you can see below they love each other and us. (had to leave husband off here)

**Sorry for the intermission: My Pets are a huge part of who i am. Eventually you will meet the Cats. But for today you just got the pups. I actually got into psychology because i wanted to be a whale/dolphin trainer and they told me at the dolphin research center in the florida keys to get a degree in biology or psychology, so i did. I did not expect to like it so much =)

Back to the flab talk ;)

Acknowledging the FAT me- a few weeks ago after i decided i wanted to go down this path, and i talked to my husband, my mother and a close guy friend who has chrohn's disease. I decided that i wanted to feel my Fat to remember that it was there. Rather then show it off with belly shirts and gross everyone else out, i decided to mention it more to other people. The same day that i told my friend with Chrohn's, i joked that i would be too much woman for him. (we always joke about stuff like that). At the nutritionist i called myself a blubbery whale, and grabbed my stomach fat. You may think it is crude or cruel to myself but i need to remind myself why. Why is this important to me. Why can't i just pile more shirts onto my gluttonous body. Why i need to be healthier, thinner, to live longer, healthier, safer. If seeing myself for what i am is what it takes that so be it. I still would love your ideas for how you kept your mode going. How did you keep focused for the final goal so far away?

A final photo. I love bargain clothing i really do. I picked this up at Sears for $20 the whole outfit. The skirt i think i got by accident on bargain whoops. :D Minus the leggings and the necklace.

A doctor Rant

I figured i would post this next week after a few of my doctors, but i will post it now as it is an occurring trend. I had a therapist who i told about this and she more or less understood my decision to get banded hopefully in september 2011, but she told me how she felt about it. Which i was completely fine with but then she took maternity leave and i got this new lady. If i put this new therapist, with my normal doctor, with my physical therapist together you get the same reaction.... basically a professional roll of the eyes. It is a held back roll of the eyes but you can tell they don't agree. Which is completely fine with me, i just need my doctor to go along with me which she does. It just bothers me i think because they are all size 0 twigs. As my mom said today "don't you wish you could just put your fat suit on them for 24 hours." Yes, that would be nice.
Do/Did any of you have this problem with professionals? I am sure there is plenty of family and friend flack but professionals?

One thing that did come up last friday was i told my friend, about my decision. He has Chrohn's Disease, and i asked him does he ever miss nuts and seeds. He said sometimes, but that he doesn't really miss them. He asked me why and i told him what i was thinking and we discussed it and he was totally understanding. Before Chrohn's he said that he used to be a fat kid, and now he is skinny. I really appreciated him having my back though. Our friendship has really grown this year, he is a really great friend. A few of my friends i am not so sure of how they will react. One of my besties in particular is a fitness nut, and i have a feeling that she won't back me, but i may be surprised.

My grandma who had gastric bypass is all for this, and i am sure will happily be standing right beside my bed. My mom has my back, as does my husband.

So i turn this around to you. I have your backs to. If you need me shoot me an email i am here =)

A bra for the full figured women

This is a bra for a full figured woman that does not cost a full figured salary, it also does not have an underwire that cuts into your stomach under your breasts. It is called Self expressions by Lilette and it also goes by I-fit balconette. It only costs $14.99 at Target, and they have some decently cute styles. I don't know about all of you out there but its seems many bras for bigger ladies tend to forget that we have nipples, and some times i feel like they are sanding away in that section. Just thought i would share because i have been having a horrible time looking for a bra. It also does a pretty good job of not pinching up back fat. The lift on the bottom is really soft and protects the bottom of your breast from the underwire. Good buy. Mine is black with a beige side with a lacy piece over it. The online photos don't do it justice. BTW the website does not have the bra, and i can't find it online! Maybe i will take a photo and post it if i get interest in it!

Just wanted to share!!