Saturday, April 16, 2011

acknowledging the fat me & better people for my journey.

This week i went to the nutritionist. I was nervous because i thought that she would be like the other size zero's who i have had issues with. Quite the opposite. She was sweet, polite, funny and even could empathize. I have reason to believe that she was a former larger person her self. She gave me a lot of really good resource, and kept telling me that she knows it is hard, and did a really great job of making me feel important. She also made me feel important because our visit lasted 1.5-2 hours. I had lost 4 pounds apparently.

The only thing that worries me is that i won't be heavy enough to stay qualified for my surgery. I can't believe that is even an issue. I was close really close my BMI was 40.1 but for my insurance i have to be 40. I don't know if i should trust my doctor to submit my first weight, or will she submit the final weight. :/ How did things play out with you and your doctor process?

Monday i have a sleep study to see why i need to sleep away so much of my life. I sleep 10-12 hours a night, wake up for a few hours, take a nap 2-5 hours, then stay up until bed, 10-12pm and then sleep another 10-12 hours it is sick really. Especially considering that i am a graduate student, it makes it hard to fit in time to study. But i still do it.

Getting my nose pierced has given me an amazing amount of confidence. I am not quite sure why exactly but i feel sexier with it. I just got the stem shortened so it does not as i lovingly call it (wack-a-mole).

(pop up) I think the reasoning is, i used to dye my hair a lot back in my under graduate and in high school strange colors. Then i had to go professional to have retail jobs, and essentially who i was got beat down into the social norm. Not to be dramatic but my fun artsy side essentially got hidden away. I had clip on hair but that is not much fun, and is hard to blend in. Going to school to be a therapist, they say you should got see a therapist yourself. When i saw that this cute pregnant woman had her nose pierced i immediately asked her how long, and if it had affected her at all professionally. She said that it did not affect her professionally so that was it it was sold. My aunt Laura always says that "your hair is an accessory", now my nose can have an accessory too.

That aside the weather is getting nice, here in Michigan we have taken the dogs to the dog park, and Sundays have become a fun day out with my husband day. We have a sheltie-schnauzer mix(Kaeci) 9 years old (To the Left, Top) , and our puppy who is 6 months but approx. the same size as our sheltie is a border collie (Loki). (Left, Bottom) As you can see they are both black and white, and they sure are spunky, but they both have their own strengths and weaknesses. Kaeci is amazing at catching, finding and running, she also has an iron stomach and once ate a whole tofu brick of bacon grease. (no issues) Loki couldn't catch a treat to save his life. (it bounces off his face.) Loki likes to recycle, he shreds cardboard, magazines, and anything he can find like no ones business. He gets in to mischief, but loves me to the end of the world. Where as Kaeci is a daddy's dog, and barks way too much, Loki only barks when Kaeci barks and gets quiet much sooner. Loki is protective of me, and will actually defend me from my husband. (goes against us sometimes lol) But as you can see below they love each other and us. (had to leave husband off here)

**Sorry for the intermission: My Pets are a huge part of who i am. Eventually you will meet the Cats. But for today you just got the pups. I actually got into psychology because i wanted to be a whale/dolphin trainer and they told me at the dolphin research center in the florida keys to get a degree in biology or psychology, so i did. I did not expect to like it so much =)

Back to the flab talk ;)

Acknowledging the FAT me- a few weeks ago after i decided i wanted to go down this path, and i talked to my husband, my mother and a close guy friend who has chrohn's disease. I decided that i wanted to feel my Fat to remember that it was there. Rather then show it off with belly shirts and gross everyone else out, i decided to mention it more to other people. The same day that i told my friend with Chrohn's, i joked that i would be too much woman for him. (we always joke about stuff like that). At the nutritionist i called myself a blubbery whale, and grabbed my stomach fat. You may think it is crude or cruel to myself but i need to remind myself why. Why is this important to me. Why can't i just pile more shirts onto my gluttonous body. Why i need to be healthier, thinner, to live longer, healthier, safer. If seeing myself for what i am is what it takes that so be it. I still would love your ideas for how you kept your mode going. How did you keep focused for the final goal so far away?

A final photo. I love bargain clothing i really do. I picked this up at Sears for $20 the whole outfit. The skirt i think i got by accident on bargain whoops. :D Minus the leggings and the necklace.


  1. Oh. My. Goodness. Reading about your hair dying days was like reading something I wrote myself! I used to dye the underside of my hair fun colors and then I got a professional job at a doctor's office and I felt so boring and average when my hair went back to normal! I got my nose pierced BEFORE the job and no one even notices it! I love my nose ring! :)

    I'm still in the beginning stages so I can't help you out on staying committed yet but I do have a surgery date (May 4) and I'm terribly excited! As far as the BMI thing...I've always heard they use your beginning weight from when you first start the 6 month diet...fortunately I didn't have to do that so I'm not sure :/ sorry!

  2. It is nice to hear that you were like me =) Why can't the professional world conform to allowing individuality? That is my wish :) You will have to keep me in the loop i would love to hear your progress! I am so jealous you get to start you journey. I keep reading about people naming their lap bands, do you think you will? Just wondering, =) Thanks for the comment! Good luck with surgery!!

  3. I hope they can tell you what your sleeping issues are all about. It's no fun going through life ready to go to bed!

  4. Hi Amber, I just found your blog and am now Following you! I too have had to go through several Sleep Studies, but they eventually came to the conclusion that I have BOTH Obstructive Sleep Apnea and (even worse) Central Sleep Apnea. Good luck in your Study....LOL

    I am 17 months into my Band. I am still losing...ever so slowly, but at least I am losing. I am sure that I would lose faster if I could totally control my eating habits! It is still so hard. If only the Band could take away our cravings too!! LOL

    Good luck in getting approved quickly and with no problems. I think my Doctor sent in my starting weight to the Insurance Company if that helps.

  5. Oh, and I soooo wanted to be your 13th Follower!! Seriously, I consider the number 13 to be lucky!!

  6. I think that is something we all have to come to terms with. As soon as I acknowledged that yes I am fat I was able to move on. Great post!

  7. hey i stumbled across you blog. I like your wit:) going to follow you and not in a creepy stalker way