Whirlwind

Since my last post i have been struggling with getting done with my internship, and finishing classes. As of yesterday i am done with my masters degree in clinical psychology!! I did a project for school that lasted 2 months. It was a "change" contract. I said that i wanted to exercise and eat healthy 6 days a week. What happened was the opposite. The good news is that through the project it showed why i have issues committing to a weight loss plan, and gave me insight for the future. I fully plan to update regularly again. :) I also had my birthday which was tough this year. I was excited for 16, 18, 21, and surprisingly 25. This year i turned 26, and my "sadness" of climbing towards 30 bummed me out. However this month of being 26 has been terrific so far. Next week is graduation, which brings excitement and sadness for not seeing my friends twice a week anymore, or the people i spent the last 2 years with. The program had all of us in the same classes for 2 consecutive years with 3 semesters a year.
Who knows what this year will bring but i happily embrace it.
-Amber

I apologize

I want to apologize to my faithful readers. I feel like i fell off the wagon. The exercising did NOTHING for me. Lost no inches, no pounds nothing. I switched to eating lean cuisines/healthy choice/smart ones and salads with low fat dressings. Every day that i eat like that with a "good carb" for break fast (oatmeal) i lose a pound. I had "given up" hope that i was going to lose, and felt like my surgery failed. Well folks i am happy to report that in April my body decided to help me and finally started to lose. I was stuck at 218 beginning of April. Now early May i am down to 207. 11 pounds lost in a bit over a month. It is still going too. I guess my body just was fighting me and it took letting my body tell me what it wanted for something to work. My total weight loss so far is: 31 pounds lost since December. It is not much but i started at 238. I am not giving up and i just wanted to say hi and i am still here.

Lent

I am making a plan of action to get myself in gear with an end in sight. From feb 22nd to April 8th I will be walking/exercising daily, having morning workouts which will help my energy so I can not drink coffee for those days, drink 8 cups of water, give up Starbucks sugar free mocha light frappucinos, limit myself to 1 carb food a day. (ie serving of pretzels/popcorn) meet protein goals. Cut out sugar where possible. My hope is lose weight and be able to buy some cute clothing at the end! I just bought an elliptical online on Monday paid $50 after 2 gift cards and that will arrive on Friday. I will try to post here every few days to record how I am doing. Are u doing anything for lent? Suggestions? By the way I was so excited when I found out my exact graduation day. July 27th,2012. :) I want to be a slimmer and more healthy me!

Continuation

Earlier today i came to grips with the concept that i am an emotional eater/bored eater. My husband also eats 24/7 which is difficult when i am trying not to snack all the time. I looked up OA meetings in my area and i think i am going to go to one Saturday morning.
I also really want to switch my addiction, to exercise. I have a best friend who is madly addicted to fitness, and being a muscle woman. I want to be passionate about something fitness related too. Maybe i will make a second blog, and write about my attempts at becoming a fitness fanatic. Who knows :) I also read about couples fitness, i will see if he would be up for doing it with me. Couples yoga would allow him to stare at my bum in a compromising position... ha!
At least i have some of you to report to... I am Amber i am a food-a-holic, and i need someone to slap me when i go near candy, popcorn, or other tempting treats. Sweets are definitely my down fall. I was never much of a chip eater, but popcorn is a big one now. At first it was okay because i would just have a cup that was low fat, but then i started adding a bit of butter. Now i am buying already made popcorn from the store, and last night i bought a bag of caramel. What the hell amber.
 I can tell you that i am not stressed about school but i am extremely stressed about money, money, and paying bills. Yesterday my friend and i went to a food pantry to get food because we could not afford it. I have never had to go to one as an adult, and it was a very humbling experience.
I am on my fitness pal i had a comment earlier about it. I try to use it daily, i at first would not report if say i ate something bad. Now i am trying to put it in regardless.
I need a fitness friend... I tried to get my friend to go to the gym with me (which by the way i can no longer afford) but she can't afford it either. I have another month left since i paid 2 months.
What are fun ways that you exercise?
I really want to do a couch to 5k program but am too embarrassed to go jogging outside. What if people see me i think, they will think i look stupid. But then contrast they probably are thinking look at her she let her self go after she got married.... *sigh

A bit of history on me:
In high school i weighed 180 freshman year. Sophomore year i was 150 after a summer of diet pills. I gained back weight after i quit the diet pills. I stayed around 170 into college. 5 years ago i was at 180-190. When i got blood clots December 2006 my weight shot up to 220 within 2 months. Then i got clots that second month, and then 3 months later in July 2007. By that point i was at 230. I dropped back down to 220 for my wedding in June 2009. I stayed there, but slowly creeped up to 238 by the time my surgery came December 14th, 2011. I am now hovering between 216-217.
*Weight related issues: Sleep apnea un-treated because it is positional. Knee problems, new pain in my left shoulder.

At my internship

I am at my internship but I had a few questions and an update. I went to my surgeon and nut last week and felt completely unsupported. I asked my nut what should I be aiming for carb, calorie, fat wise and does she have an example meal plan because I feel lost. She responded that I should just go buy a book for bariatric clients. I told my surgeon that I had no idea what I was doing and he said if u don't like our nutritionist find a different one. I left really mad and frustrated. I have been going to the gym more but still not lost any weight. What does a typical day look like for u food wise? How is your loss going?? Tips?? I will be getting a new nutritionist I am just really broke right now.

Down and not with it

I have not posted because i did not want to admit to how i am feeling but i feel that it is important to get it out there. I am still stuck at 214, which was depressing the hell out out of me. I even joined a gym and have been going at least twice a week for at least an hour. (lifting, swimming, elliptical) I don't want to give into the idea that its just muscle being built up because i have heard that before and it made me gain weight. (i was not actually gaining muscle just fat) I joined ballys/la fitness because they had a pool and that was how i wanted to exercise. Today i ran through a very crabby 2 hours while i was there. I showed up at 12 for a zumba class and was denied entrance because it was full. The only other day available is a day that i can't go because i am in school and at my internship. I decided to do elliptical for 15 minutes, but was disgusted that it smelled so strongly of urine. (the room) I in the span of an hour decided to cancel my gym membership, give up on my weightloss goals, and a bunch of other things just because i was denied something i really wanted to do just not today. I am not reevaluating how i felt but i need to continue on to other issues at hand.

My internship site has become unsafe for me and i feel stuck. This stuckness is also making my emotions run wild.

I feel like i should have gotten the RNY almost every single day. This sleeve is just not doing it for me and i feel like i am eating more than i should. I can eat a large chicken breast in one sitting, i can eat nachos and a wide range of other things. I feel like i have already failed, that my surgery was a bust and a waste. My only accomplishment so far is going down a pant size, and fitting into a smaller shirt size. Which should be a huge deal but its not. Today i bought a medium shirt, and a medium sweater but i still felt like it was a fluke. (stretchy) I bought large yoga pants because my xl were too big. This is nice but i still feel defeated and i don't know what to do. I feel like why should i bother if i already messed up my pouch.

I am seeing my surgeon and Nut on Tuesday for my 2 month visit (1 week early) and i am embarrassed. I feel like i have failed them, myself, my grandmother and others.

I just expected more from this tool then it is doing. I know i can't eat as much but other people can barely eat anything and i am eating a ton more than others.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Not much....

I am just popping in right quick to say hello. Classes have started up again... Existential and Phenomenology psychology, Professional Seminar, Thesis, and Supervision. Plus my practicum. The existential class makes my brain hurt :D
Food wise i am doing well trying to make good choices for food, and chew chew chew. I really want to use a straw.. That is what i miss the most. I had an minor issue with one of my incisions having some pus for a few days. (Not much) so before i could call the surgeons nurse it had stopped. 1st time for it too, and it was a small incision by my bra line. I am still stalled at 214. I feel like i am still losing inches and have noticed that my fingers no longer look like sausages. Tomorrow my bestie and i are going to the gym and doing a water aerobics class. I don't want to over do it. I read on one of the sites that someone popped their pouch by over doing it. Even heard the POP. scary stuff. I go for my 2 month appointment in 2 weeks Febuary 7th (1 week before my 2 months). Kind of bummed since i have only lost 4 pounds since the 3 week check up. I guess i just need to start exercising more.... Jealous of those who just lose lose lose.
Anyways i am off for the night just wanted to pop in.