Saturday, February 4, 2012

Down and not with it

I have not posted because i did not want to admit to how i am feeling but i feel that it is important to get it out there. I am still stuck at 214, which was depressing the hell out out of me. I even joined a gym and have been going at least twice a week for at least an hour. (lifting, swimming, elliptical) I don't want to give into the idea that its just muscle being built up because i have heard that before and it made me gain weight. (i was not actually gaining muscle just fat) I joined ballys/la fitness because they had a pool and that was how i wanted to exercise. Today i ran through a very crabby 2 hours while i was there. I showed up at 12 for a zumba class and was denied entrance because it was full. The only other day available is a day that i can't go because i am in school and at my internship. I decided to do elliptical for 15 minutes, but was disgusted that it smelled so strongly of urine. (the room) I in the span of an hour decided to cancel my gym membership, give up on my weightloss goals, and a bunch of other things just because i was denied something i really wanted to do just not today. I am not reevaluating how i felt but i need to continue on to other issues at hand.

My internship site has become unsafe for me and i feel stuck. This stuckness is also making my emotions run wild.

I feel like i should have gotten the RNY almost every single day. This sleeve is just not doing it for me and i feel like i am eating more than i should. I can eat a large chicken breast in one sitting, i can eat nachos and a wide range of other things. I feel like i have already failed, that my surgery was a bust and a waste. My only accomplishment so far is going down a pant size, and fitting into a smaller shirt size. Which should be a huge deal but its not. Today i bought a medium shirt, and a medium sweater but i still felt like it was a fluke. (stretchy) I bought large yoga pants because my xl were too big. This is nice but i still feel defeated and i don't know what to do. I feel like why should i bother if i already messed up my pouch.

I am seeing my surgeon and Nut on Tuesday for my 2 month visit (1 week early) and i am embarrassed. I feel like i have failed them, myself, my grandmother and others.

I just expected more from this tool then it is doing. I know i can't eat as much but other people can barely eat anything and i am eating a ton more than others.

Does anyone else feel this way?


  1. I'm sorry you are in a funk. I think you need to ask for help when you go to the dr. And you need to work your tool. Just because you CAN eat a whole chicken breast does NOT mean that you SHOULD. You are going to have to put the work INTO your tool in order to get the benefits of having a tool. Otherwise it will be useless because it can't do the work for you. Nachos should be on the NOT RIGHT NOW list, while you are trying to lose weight. It sounds like your head isn't quite in the game and that is why I'm encouragning you to ask for professional help. You are not a failure and this surgery is NOT an instant fix. I'm still working my tool 15 months later and I'm not a goal yet. But I refuse to give up.

    Here is an encouraging blog post from someone who DID have the RNY and guess what she struggles just like we all do at times. Never give up on yourself!!

  2. Make that sleeve your bitch! We work our tools! They don't do it of us. Pick up your chin, hit that gym 5 days a week, and kick those nachos out the door. At least until you can say "i'm in maintenance, or I'm in control." We all get in dark places, question our decisions. Don't allow yourself to fail. Choose to work your tool. Choose to eat the right kinds of food. Choose to eat in moderation. Choose to lose weight and not be another statistic! I know you can do this!

  3. Please don't ever think that you failed, because you did not.
    You published the post on the blog, you were thinking about what you do and you want to change some things!

    That all means that you di not fail ;-)

    Good luck to You!

    Best regards,

  4. I agree with Sheila and Miss Lorie. Work your tool! I will be one year out at the end of this month and I work mine every day. Everything that goes into your mouth is by choice so you can't blame your sleeve. We all struggle with stalls and slow downs but if your head isn't in the game then your surgery (any type of WLS and not just the sleeve) will be for nothing. Keep up the work and the scale will move in the direction you want.